...white shutters, a black door and moonlight upon your porch.

whispered words of love.
a meeting of the lips.
eyes speak indescribable words.
a cautious glance into the darkness,
like static before the strike.
a harsh scream in the calm summer air.
a slice into the black night sky.
a promise broken.
a vow forgotten.
a heart left bleeding.

my body aches for the touch of a lover.

my heart aches for a committed lover
one that won't fuck me and leave me
naked and vulnerable
weeping
weeping
each tear that escapes unveils each lie i tried to keep
each lie i tried unsuccessfully to mask
with a plaster smile and coyish toying.

but this will do.
today only my heart aches.

The seeds I planted last winter have begun to grow.
Black flowers blossom, reminding me that even with new life
There is death.
With every change something will die.
I take another breath
Oh dear,
Am I still alive?
To the untrained eye, it would appear so.
Look deeper if you know me
What lies beneath this surface,
These common brown eyes,
This freckled face?
Where do the experiences go
Shoved in a box
Buried in a corner
Forgotten?
Where do I go?
My heart races,
My breathing becomes shallow,
My hands- unsteady.
I want to follow the past
Back to its box in the corner.
I just want to disappear
And live in those memories
That have faded.

Current Music: Massive Attack: Teardrop

I'm scared to go to work tonight. I've been slacking off for the two weeks Karen's been gone and I've forgotten how to actually do my job. If I happen to throw up tonight I'm going straight home.
God, I feel like such an idiot. Here I am, I actually used to think I was maybe just a little smart. Just a little. I'm such an idiot. I'm so stupid. I don't know anything.
The only way I'd hurt myself would be by giving myself to anyone, regardless of who they were, that wanted me. And no one does want me so we don't have to worry about me hurting myself.
I went into Reuben's email again today and read conversations between him and my mother. They would talk about you. My mom would try to get Reuben to persuade me to break up with you. Reuben would ask her if I'd broken up with you yet.
I hate my family. I really do. I hate the fact that my personal computer has now become the family computer because our fucking PC sucks. Anything that is mine will eventually be shared with everyone else in the family. I hate that none of my efforts are appreciated. I actually wanted to do something today but I couldn't because I was too busy bussing people around the fucking island and now I'm getting ready to go to work where I hope I throw up so I can go home and not feel intimidated by a lady that's actually shorter than me.
I write a short entry in an lj community where people actually reach out to others when they're having trouble with life. All I said was that I felt more alone than ever and that I didn't know what to do. And no one responded. I'm rejected even by the fucking online world. Where will I ever fit in? I don't feel right with my family. I don't feel right with my church. I never felt right with my school. I feel all my friends are superficial and I don't want to try to establish other friendships to have my heart broken even more when I leave. But I'm so lonely. I'm so scared to be alive.
What if nothing ever gets better? What if I remain this lonely, heartbroken fool for the rest of my life?
No one knows that it will get better. No one, not even you.
I'm not going to hurt myself. I don't know how I would do it anyway. I'm too afraid of pain now. I think I've been hurt enough.
I just want to feel numb.

Current Music: Garbage: So Like A Rose

To Edward:
Sometimes I wonder what will happen next. I never want to leave you. I never want to risk not being with you again. But this is what we have to do, right? I guess. I’m going to meet new people; I’m starting a new stage in my life. You can’t sit around waiting for me all alone. Since we will be apart we will need to be apart, right? Why can’t you just come with me? Why did we have to fall in love now? Why couldn’t we wait until we were done with school and ready to get married and start a life together? Sigh I need you to always be with me. I’m not going to be ready for school. I wish you could be with me. I need your support. I’m so scared to start all alone. Completely alone. I won’t have you; I CAN’T have you. This isn’t fair. Why did we have fall in love now? I’m going to be making the hardest transition ever. Surrounded by love I will fall into complete aloneness. Fifteen hundred miles away from everyone that I love. Fifteen hundred miles away from the one person I will no longer be allowed to love. It doesn’t make any sense. Why should I break up with the one person that I care about the most when I will be at my most vulnerable emotional state? How does that make any sense at all? Should I leave you now? Should we get used to not being together so that when I move away it won’t take any getting used to? I don’t ever want to lose you. I’m letting my feelings for you confuse my reasoning. I’m not really sure what I’m thinking. I’m not even sure where I’m trying to go with all this. I just know that I want you, all the time, forever. But I can’t have you. We will break up with the feeble hopes of one day getting back together and sustaining a relationship that will have died by then. Only Jesus has ever been known to resurrect the dead, and even that may just be a story. I’m going to miss the days, though few they were, that I just stopped by your house and we sat outside in my car and talked and kissed and hugged. I’m going to miss the random voicemails you’d leave me telling me how wonderful I was or how much you adore me. I’m going to remember the first time I decided to just surprise you by driving up outside your house calling you outside to make sure the sky was still blue. Or when I dropped off that first mix CD: 01.23.06. I’m sorry I didn’t let you ask me out. Hehe, I couldn’t wait any longer. I needed to know if you liked me. I just couldn’t take the suspense anymore. I remember making you those notecards during my classes. The only thing that sustained me my senior year were thoughts of you. Thank you for keeping me alive. Also, thanks for distracting me from the stupid drama of my high school. Thanks for all the Sour Belts, dinners, lunches, donuts, movies, mini-golf and bowling games, assurances and sweet reminders of love. Thanks for the pink unicorn that was ridiculously expensive to obtain. Thanks for the CareBear I said you wouldn’t be able to get. Thanks for coming with me to run errands just to spend time with me. You’ve made my world so much more beautiful with just your smile. When your skin touches mine, lightning rushes through my body and it feels wonderful. I feel alive in your presence. Thank you, Edward, for introducing me to what it’s like to actually live.

Restlessly waiting.

Je dois vous trouver. J'ai besoin d'un endroit où nous pouvons être justes vous et moi. Seulement, ensemble.

I can't wait much longer.

Los episodios sicopáticos me aguardan. Le necesito aquí ahora por mi lado. Encuéntreme. No le veo. ¡No le veo! ¿Adónde usted ha ido?

i like the sound of cars driving through the rain water on ferry road, one after the other, speeding towards their drivers' destinations. where are they going?

listening to the cars pass is probably one of the most calming things i do. i enjoy sitting on the couch when no one is around, peeking through the blinds of the living room windows and watching people drive by. where do they go so late? are they racing home to their families? are they running away from their families? or are they running away from themselves?
where do they go to run away from themselves?
i want to follow.

i want a refuge. i want to rest.

i need something.

The water is scalding but by the time it reaches my curled up body on the floor of the bathtub it’s cooled down. The sting of the pellets of water attacking me last only five seconds compared to the twenty seconds they would last if I’d been standing. The warmth of the water bulleting my face fools my mind into thinking I’m already crying that way I don’t actually have to.

He doesn’t want me. I can feel this truth pulsing through my veins spreading to my extremities leaving a cold, numbing thread behind it, my fingers frozen and useless. He doesn’t want me. He doesn't need me. If I were to die today, how long would he mourn until he found a new lover? Another perfect body to appreciate?

I want to crawl back into his arms onto his lap and wrap my naked legs around him once more.

Current Music: lovedrug: everything starts where it ends

okay so i didn't go to sleep to try to forget about how upset i am right instead i'm still up and pushing back tears. i can't cry and be upset on my graduation day unless i'm crying and being upset about my graduation day. but i can't even pretend that because apparently this morning i looked the happiest that my family has ever seen me.

dammit. i'm pissed off at myself for just checking my cell phone to see if you called. if you had wanted to talk to me then you wouldn't have gotten off the phone. if i had wanted to talk to you then i shouldn't have hung up the phone. too bad i'm an idiot.
i can't expect you to chase me every time i start to run away mostly because that just isn't fair.
i don't want to run away and not have you come find me.
how disappointing would that be?

you don't know
you don't know
you don't know
you don't know

what i'm feeling.

either that or you don't care.

i hope it's ignorance and not apathy.

i wish i was dead.